Real Nightmares
by Kellygrishin
Summary: To want what you can never have, to be lonely and in darkness, nightmares always haunting your sleep Chakotay reaches far into himself to find peace but unearths something darker.


**Real Nightmares**

Chakotay walked along the forest path as dusk approached. He moved quickly and with purpose. All around him the planet was calm and peaceful, awaiting the long still night to come. Odd birdcalls echoed above his head, high up in the tall trees. Far off a creature bellowed, and was answered by two more voices. But Chakotay noticed none of this. His fists were clenched, and his dark eyes stared directly ahead, never wavering from his destination. Rage and pain mounted inside him until his whole body shook and all he could see clearly was his destination. Everything else was blotted out by a burning white flame in front of his eyes that was fueled by terrible pain.

His body was numb, but his mind was bent on it, this one purpose. A small, forgotten voice was yelling at him inside his head, desperate to be heard. It was trying to tell him the folly of his task.

It was too late for that now, the pain was too intense. Too many sleepless nights, too many dark dreams. It had all driven him to the edge and now he was going to jump, willingly.

Chakotay broke out of the forest and stopped dead when he saw that he had arrived.

"Chakotay!" said Kathryn without looking up from the odd glowing flowers she was studying. "These plants are amazing! They've remained closed up all day, and then as soon as the moon came up, they opened up and began to glow by absorbing the moonlight."

After a few moments, when he didn't answer, she tore her eyes away from the strangely captivating luminescent plant, and straightening up, she squinted in the darkness for him. There he was, just on the edge of the forest, watching her.

Kathryn smiled as she headed over to him. "Don't say it, cause I know exactly what you're going to say." She stopped to smell another clump of glowing flowers before she continued. "You're going to say that I should stay with the group, and that you were worried sick, and that you don't want me wandering off again." She stopped in front of him and when her face was only a few inches from his, she said simply, "But I'm the Captain."

Chakotay could see her deep blue, intelligent eyes, and her smooth pale skin. She was beautiful in the moonlight. He could feel her warm, sweet breath on his face. And as she stood there, so very close to him, his last threads of sanity snapped and a dangerous gleam entered his dark eyes.

Kathryn suddenly felt nervous, something in her friend's eyes had changed. His breathing had become uneven, and his whole body was tense. There was something there she had never seen before. Rage, hatred. And her skin broke into gooseflesh.

She took a step backwards, "Chakotay, what's wrong?"

He shuddered slightly when she uttered his name in that deep, concerned voice. He hated it. He hated _her_. He hated everything about her. Her graceful movement, the sweet way she laughed. Her strength, her beauty, and her determination. He hated it all. He hated her independent nature, her daring and her cunning, and the things he knew about her that nobody else would ever know. He hated it because it was tearing his heart out. He loved it so much that it hurt. That pain was unbearable and he had to end it before it killed him.

He began to advance on her, his eyes locked with hers. Kathryn's heart was racing as she backed away. But he kept coming, and there was a strange half smile on his face as he watched the fear he was creating.

"Chakotay?" Kathryn said in a small, shaking voice.

But Chakotay simply quickened his steps.

Kathryn was shaking all over now. Her instincts were telling her to turn and run, but a strange, unexplainable curiosity kept her from doing so. She had never seen him smile like that. He always smiled that friendly, dimpled smile, but now his smile was threatening and mocking. And his eyes too, once full of kindness and caring were now mad with hate. It was as if he was possessed b ungodly beast, and their only intent was to cut wounds so deep that they would never heal.

They were beasts that she had conjured.

When Chakotay's hand went for his phazer, Kathryn's went for her combadge. Her curiosity had always been strong, but her instinct for survival was stronger. If she could just get a quick beam out…

But it was too late. Just before she could tap her combadge, Chakotay grabbed her wrist in a strong, steely grip that made her yelp in pain. With his other hand, he roughly removed her combadge and tossed it aside. Then he thrust her to the ground and pulling out his phazer, he set it to kill.

Kathryn stumbled to her feet and reached for her phazer. It was gone! Then she saw the shining object on the ground a few feet away. She made a desperate lunge for it, but Chakotay was one step ahead of her and destroyed it with a clean shot. Kathryn had been narrowly missed and now her wild eyes looked frantically for anything she could use to defend herself.

Chakotay slowly walked towards her, his phazer trained on her like a cobra.

In desperation, she spoke the words that gave her power, "Commander, _I order you_ to put down the phazer and return to Voyager!" She said it in the most commanding and dangerous voice she could muster, but he simply laughed, a strange, alien sound that made her skin crawl.

Kathryn yelled in surprise when she backed into a large tree. She was trapped and if she attempted to make a run for it, she would be shot down for sure.

What had driven her first officer to this? He was her best friend. But deep down, she knew, and the same pain ate away at her. To want so desperately what you can't have is one thing, but when that thing is always right there, just out of reach, its enough to drive anyone crazy.

She denied this man what he so desperately needed, then rubbed it in his face and laughed. And still he forgave her, and still he wanted to take all her pain away and carry it with his own.

At that moment, Kathryn's eyes fell on an overhanging tree branch that looked fairly strong. She made a jump for it and was able to pull it down. She barely registered a flash of light before she felt searing pain shoot through her right leg. She let out a cry and nearly fell to her knees but managed to stay in her feet, her breathing coming in short gasps. She looked down at her leg and felt a wave of nausea when she saw dark liquid spilling from a hole in her thigh. She gritted her teeth to keep the nausea at bay and held the branch up threateningly. Even when all was grim, she held onto life tooth and claw.

Chakotay was only a few meters from her now, and he stopped. He stood stock still, and the smile slowly faded from his face until he was staring at her so intensely that she felt oddly violated.

The time for fun was over, the hunt had come to an end, and Chakotay raised his weapon once more. The voice inside his head began screaming this time, but it was all just white noise in the back of his mind. His fingers trembled on the phazer for a moment, then the hesitation left him and he fired.

Not a yell, or a cry echoed Kathryn Janeway's death. But her body had fallen to the ground like that of a great warrior or old, finally defeated in battle but never forgotten in legend. There was a long silence after the horrifying act was committed. Not a bird sang, not a leaf rustled, nor did the stars seem to continue their movement across the sky.

Chakotay stood frozen to the spot. He stared at her still body, then at the phazer in his hand. Slowly the flame of hate went out and his beasts left him standing alone. His mind was painfully clear and the realization of what he had done hit him like a blast of icy wind. He took a sharp breath and stepped towards her. He did not tremble, nor did he feel numb, but all his senses seemed heightened.

He had made his way to her, and now slowly crouched down beside her. He ran a finger over her cheek and drew back, uttering a small gasp.

She was cold. Because she was dead. Because you killed her.

He couldn't tare his eyes away from her beautiful pale features. His fingers went to her chest wound against his will and there he felt the thick liquid still flowing from her body. Chakotay's chest went painfully tight. There was a lump in his throat and he couldn't breath. He lifted his fingers from the wound and when he saw his hand stained with her blood, he experienced more grief than he had ever known.

He picked up her limp body in his arms so very gently and cradled her against himself protectively.

And then the tears came. They came freely and fell like glistening moondrops onto Kathryn's white face. His sobs were racking and echoed in the silent night.

He sat there for a long time, and night never seemed to end. Even when the moon went down and he could no longer see through the blanket of darkness and his own tears.

Then Chakotay was aware of a strange sound. It was somehow familiar, but he couldn't place it. Then an image flashed through his head. Kathryn, reaching for her combadge, but he stopped her. That sound, it was his combadge. He tapped it instinctively, then wondered if he should have.

"Commander Chakotay, please report for bridge duty."

Chakotay's eyes went wide and he would have laughed if he could remember how. He stared down at the body in his arms in confusion. His worst fears had all come true, Kathryn was dead, and now he was a crazy man.

But slowly his memory was restored, like a dry brook filling with water again, replenishing the parched soil. He carefully put the body down and rose to his feet.

He spoke the words hesitantly, not quite sure why he was saying them, "Computer, end program."

The next moment, Chakotay stood stunned, staring at the empty room. It was all so clear now. He took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. Then he walked over to the exit and before he left, he took his program chip and pocketed it.

He left the holodeck and headed to the bridge, trying desperately to regain his wits before he got there.

He remembered the fight, but he couldn't remember what it had been about anymore. All he could recall was the things she had said to him. The horrible, painful things she had said that he knew she hadn't meant. The hurt went deep all the same. The words had cut into his heart like blades, tearing at the precious organ with every bit of passion they could grasp.

She had poured her pain onto him that night, and the extent of that pain that she bore for so long put a madness into Chakotay. A beast.

She was stunningly beautiful when she fought with every ounce of strength left in her trembling body.

When no words were left to say, he had found himself face to face with his Captain. They both panted, and trembled in the afterglow of the heated argument. He battled with instincts that told him to do something he would regret later. He searched her eyes and saw that look of desire before she could veil it with her steely mask. Her eyes had conjured another beast for him. A yearning sprung inside him that he could not control. He advanced on her to get a desperate taste of her lips, but it was too late. She had put up a barrier. He stopped and almost whimpered when he saw the look on her face, pure abhor of him.

He backed up rapidly. The amount of loathing in her gaze tore at his senses and shredded his sanity. That look accused him for all of her suffering and was the birth of another beast that drove Chakotay from her dark quarters. He left like a wounded soldier, betrayed and left to die by his closest ally.

He wanted to run, to put as much distance between them as possible, but the only privacy available to him was in his own quarters. So he stopped reluctantly at the door so close to hers, and forced himself inside. The room was dark and silent. With only the soft, silver light of the stars whizzing by the viewport to see by, Chakotay made his way over to his bed and sat down stiffly.

The conflicting beasts in his head began to burn his mind, escalating pain to hate, and the madness would not let him rest. That night he was tortured with the heavy burden he now carried until the impulse to relieve it was too great to ignore. Tears would not come to aid him because his mind was full of hate.

Then the idea came to him, and his stomach churned as it unraveled its devices. They were sickeningly pleasant and Chakotay's heartbeat quickened as he rolled them over in his mind. He felt a forbidden pleasure that surprised him, at the idea of committing this unholy act. It would grant relief to his anguished mind.

He spent the rest of the night creating it, channeling all his hateful feelings into the task until it was finished early the next morning.

That day, Kathryn and Chakotay had carefully avoided each other, even if that meant walking half way around the ship. But there had been two occasions that found the pair in the same room. Both times, to Chakotay's dismay, Kathryn acted as if the horrors of the previous night had never taken place.

That night, after only a couple hours of troubled sleep, Chakotay awoke with a yell. He bolted upright in bed, his heart speeding, and his eyes wide. It had all just replayed in a horrifying nightmare, in perfect clarity. The awful fight.

When his breathing would not calm, he climbed out of bed and, bringing the program chip with him, he had headed out the door and down to the holodeck, blind to all else but his destination.

Now he stepped off the turbo-lift and shook his head slightly to clear it of the memories. He gazed at the familiar bridge. His eyes fell on the back of her head. She was sitting there, in her chair, sipping an early morning cup of coffee. It took everything Chakotay had to keep the tears from spilling again.

He loved her. He loved her. He _loved_ her. It was a curse. She was a sorceress, she had cursed him, and now she had to live with that. Chakotay's heart ached for her, but he felt more at peace than he had in a long time. She was a gift to a contrary spirit. He could not let her go in hurting. But Kathryn Janeway never apologized first. To admit freely that she was wrong was beyond her ability. She was usually right anyway. So yet again, Chakotay would apologize first, when he was ready. He would make sure she could be happy again.

He made his way over to his chair, almost in a dream. But he stopped in front of Kathryn and simply stared at her.

"Commander" she said, using his 'on duty' name, "you look like you've seen a ghost"

Chakotay gulped and tried to keep his hands from shaking. He forced himself to stop staring at her like a fool and to sit down. He took a few deep, calming breaths then concentrated on the starfield on the viewscreen.

As he sat in deep thought, he resolved never again to play the holodeck program, for it had scarred him far worse than any argument ever could.

He reached into his pocket and snapped the little yellow program chip in two.

And now it would find a place in his nightmares.


End file.
